We are all feeling a lot of things right now that similar to grief and guilt. AT least I know I am!
I wrote a blog a week or so ago about how I was experiencing grief during COVID-19 Safer at Home Order. I took it down because the more I read the blog the more I kept feeling like I was feeling more than just grief.
I went to the grocery store on Thursday, with my list already, and ready to get everything at once store. I picked a scarf that I could wrap around my face as a mask. When I parked my car I wrapped this floral scarf around my face four times. As I walked to the door every breath fogged up my glasses.
I grabbed a cart from the man cleaning each one. I took that cart inside, and it was so quiet. To one was talking. When you walked down the aisle you waited for the person to turn before you continued.
A girl accidentally broke open a soda box and cans went everywhere. I immediately went to help but stopped short of really helping as my body held me back. She backed away from me as I put the can on the shelf.
I grabbed everything I needed, bagged it all in the car, then returned the cart to the man to clean. When I got into the car I sanitized my hands, the keys and the handle I touched.
I had to run to another store for just two things, this one store didn’t have. Justin’s cereal and some hot dogs. Two things we can get cheaper at another store.
I walked into this last grocery store and my mind was instantly on edge. No matter how hard I tried to relax. There were so many people.
As I walked down an aisle I quickly walked passed someone shopping. My eyes were starting to fill with tears. Why was I crying?
I felt instant guilt being in the store, did I NEED to go? No! We had enough food to survive the end of the Stay at Home Order. We had oatmeal, pasta, and rice for weeks.
I was so guilty that I was there, guilty that I felt I had to get groceries, guilty I could afford the little groceries I had and guilt we all had to feel so scared of each other just trying to get food. I am also guilty that this isn’t a new feeling for some people.
I also was grieving the joy that would randomly pop up while we shopped. I would randomly do a dance in the aisle, laugh at kids being silly, or just random smiles at strangers.
I worked my way through the store so fast, trying to keep my tears from falling. I left the store with a soaked made. Soaked with tears and snot.
I got home clean all the groceries, thrown the bags and scarf in the wash. I washed my hands and changed my clothes. I was so happy to be home, but man the feelings were deep.
Then you have the added work guilt and grief
I am grieving the plans and goals I had for myself this year. I had such a strong feeling this year was going to be THE YEAR! I had such a strong vision of the year ahead.
Then the wall hit us all!
I am feeling so much guilt for the fact I can’t work. Especially when I see other photographers doing sidewalk sessions because they think they are “safe” or for a good cause. I feel like I should do that too! But, it is safe!?
I have pushed all sessions to late May, and most May to Mid June Weddings have been postponed to Fall or 2021. As my client’s experience and health means the world to me.
There is so much damn uncertainty and I am trying to hard to stay positive and be thankful for what I have. But, this rollercoaster of emotions gets the best of me sometimes.
On a bright note, I KNOW we will get through this! I just know it! We HAVE to! I refuse to let this damn virus win!
I am not ok right now, but I know I will be. I know we all will be! It will take time, but I know we will be celebrating that we made it through!